Last weekend I overcame a long time fear of mine and attended my first funeral. It was that of the only Grandfather I have ever known as mine. Not biologically, but still very much my Grandpa nonetheless. Unfortunately, his body succumbed to cancer. May he rest in paradise. Up until then I had never lost anybody before, it’s really difficult for me to even understand.

It wasn’t a traditional Catholic funeral, and was very different from what I had expected. The church was Presbyterian and they didn’t allow eulogies which is what I tried to come prepared for. Had there been eulogies, I’m sure I would have been in shambles. But it was very formal and beautifully executed, very respectful.

It’s bizarre, I thought I was going to absolutely lose control of my emotions, be hysterically crying and run out. I can be hypersensitive but try very hard to maintain control. Once I actually start crying its just a snowball effect, I almost broke first walking into the church. But it turned out I was one of few who held it together, oddly enough.

Some of what my Aunt said to me while I was upset my last visit to Grandpa kept me grounded. He was ready to die and did just how he wanted to, peacefully in his home. He lived a good life and death is, while unfortunate, a part of life. I tried to think of the funeral as a celebration of his life, although I do think to myself that I haven’t quite accepted the loss. I feel as though he is away somewhere, and he is. I will visit him again someday.

I had a horrible, gut wrenching feeling all week that my Grandpa would pass on Evan’s twenty first birthday which is what ended up happening. From what I’ve heard, directly before he passed was really special. My Aunt and Uncle were holding hands praying over him, that he passes while family are there to help my Grandma. My Grandma came in and was comforting and caressing him, reassuring him that it’s okay for him to go and how he’s been a great man to her. A single tear came out of his eye and he was gone.

I cant imagine losing someone who is a part of your everyday life and how frustrating and heartbreaking it must be. My heart, condolences, and much strength and love goes out to my Grandmother.